Swimming the ocean blue

Here are some quality online directions from Polmont to Ventura. Be sure to read number 41. Glad to see some of the programmers over at Google have a sense of humour.

Ansgarr's Technology Problems

This clip is hilarious!

Helping the good people of France

German interior expansion minister Horst Schnellpanzer announced this morning that high government officials had crafted a plan to restore order to their beleaguered western neighbor. France has entered its second week of urban riots, its top leaders scrambling to capitulate as civil unrest spread from a northern Parisian ghetto across the entire cheese-loving nation.

“France is a great nation,” Herr Schnellpanzer declared, “They have good wine, licentious women, and a towering mass of inexpensive, accessible iron. It is a great place to make your holidays.”

The riots began after several North African teenagers, fleeing from the police, launched a suicide attack on French power lines in an apparent attempt to disrupt power and thus precipitate the downfall of western civilization. Neighbors and relatives were outraged by the youths’ deaths, claiming that the wasted martyrdom did not kill any Jews or Crusaders and would therefore not merit more than forty seven virgins in paradise. They decided to take action, hoping that their car-burning and trolley-torching merits could be applied to their dearly departed loved ones through the Communion of the Terrorists. Other immigrants throughout France, confounded by the fact that the French only wanted them and their children to sweep floors and clean dishes, decided to join in the fun. French president Jacques Chirac immediately called upon British and American to come to France’s aid. Bush and Blair declined, citing that Chirac had been a “bloody bastard” during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

"Not to worry" declares Schnellpanzer. "Germany will soon control ...ich mein... help France control the problem with Blitzspeed."

SCOTUS WARS: Episode II – The Phantom Nominee

(click to enlarge)

Narrator: Not very long ago, in a galaxy called the beltway. SCOTUS WARS: Episode II – The Phantom Nominee. For a dozen generations, the Originalist Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Republic – before the dark times. Before the rise of…the Warren Court. The court twisted the Constitution, seizing private property and stripping the senate of its power to create law. The voters, appalled, embraced Originalism, supporting the young George Sky-Spender. But a dark cloud overshadowed the Republic. Fourteen rouge senators, led by the cocky maverick John McSolo, were led into a back-ally deal by the ambitions Sith lord, Senator Hillary Rodham Unpalatable.

Sen. Unpalatable: [waves hand] McSolo, you will support the filibuster deal.

John McSolo: I will support the filibuster deal…

Teddy the Kennedy: Hey, ahh…McSolo! You still ah…owe me ahhhh…5,000 martinis!

John McSolo: But we passed martini-financing reform.

Teddy the Kennedy: Dammit ahhh… McSolo, you get those martinis to me or else I’ll ahhhh… I’ll have Princess Bader Ginsburg cast into the sea of Chappaquiddick!

Princess Bader Ginsburg: Oh no! Someone save me!

Bubba Fat: Hey Baby. I’ll save you. Come over here. Say, what are you doing next Friday? Ever seen a light saber? I’ve got a little Wookie for you. Come on!

Sen. Unpalatable: [Slap!]

Narrator: Distracted by the search for the menacing Bin Dooku and the unilateral war of the allies in Alderaaq, George Sky-Spender faces the biggest challenge of his galactic presidency, the second appointment to the Supreme Council. Will George Sky-Spender remain true to the Originalist Knights, or will he go over to the country-club dark side?

Darth Bushuru: I am your father.

George Sky-Spender: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

Darth Bushuru: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

George Sky-Spender: You’re not my father! I’ll never raise taxes!

Darth Bushuru: You underestimate the power of the country club. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny. You will appoint another Souter!

George Sky-Spender: Your thoughts betray you, father. I feel the good in you...the conflict… you appointed Clarence Thomdu!

Darth Bushuru: Obi-Cheney has taught you well. Give yourself to the country club. It is the only way you can save your…galactic presidency.

Narrator: Watch, as C86’d’04 and RUQT2 aimlessly wander the Senate halls.

C86’d’04: Sir, it's quite possible this party is not entirely stable.

RUQT2: Beep, pop, click.

C86’d’04: Sir, I actually did vote to confirm, before I voted against it! Oh! Sometimes I just don't understand human behaviour.

Narrator: Experience the frustration as Ar Ar Blinks chairs the galactic judiciary committee.

Ar Ar Blinks: Meesa Ar Ar Blinks. Meesa your humble RINO!

Narrator: Be there, as Ron’sgone Jinn advises George Sky-Spender from beyond the grave.

George Sky-Spender: Oh mighty Ron’sgone, what should I do?

Ron’sgone Jinn: Well, appoint an Originalist Knight like Antonin Yodlia or Clarence Thomdu.

George Sky-Spender: But Harriet Mired might turn out to be like them!

Ron’sgone Jinn: Well, ever heard of Earl Warren? A great Originalist Knight until he was, well, seduced by the Sith. Biggest damn fool mistake…

Antonin Yodlia: Your nominee well know you must, young Sky-Spender, or else liberal appoint you may.

Narrator: Will the phantom nominee remain true to the Originalist Knights, or is she a Sith lord in disguise? Will Senator Unpalpable take over and destroy the Republic with her sinister Entitlement Star? Don’t miss the biggest motion picture event since Starr’s War: Episode I – The Female Menace.

Liturgical Changes

Word on the street is that newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, better known amongst the Italians as ‘Papa Razi’, has introduced a few liturgical changes deemed appropriate for the duration of his Teutonic pontificate. Does anyone know if pretzels are leavened or unleavened?

African Dictators Preservation Society

“Hello and welcome to the African Dictators Preservation Society. Please select one of the following options:

If you are an African dictator in need of funding for arms, expensive foreign luxury items, or western money to consolidate your despotic rule, press one.

If you are one of the very few well educated Africans capable of actually making a difference in your home country but who has instead immigrated to the West to improve your lifestyle and are now puzzled at how nothing is changing back home without you, press two.

If you attended one of our aid concerts and were offended by Fiddy Cent’s rendition of ‘Smack a ho for the homeland’, press three.

If you are a celebrity involved with the recent protests and need help finding Africa on a map, press four.

If you plan to attend the concerts but are concerned whether or not you should applaud bad music by big-hearted has-beens, press five.

If you live under an African dictatorship and are upset at western democracies for giving money to your authoritarian regime in order to help consolidate their dominance over your people and their earnings, press six.

If you reside in a responsible African nation who has paid back your loans at or below inflation rates and are bitter that more aid is being given to irresponsible regimes when it could actually be put to good work in your country, press seven.

If you are an African interested in improving the quality of life on your continent, seek out a local missionary. Manage to work out a visa to study or work in the United States or the United Kingdom. While there, avoid the culture of victimization your will encounter in the press and at the universities. Study Smith, Locke, Hayek and the Founding Fathers. Read the National Review. Pay attention to the modernization of Japan. Believe that the future of your continent depends not upon the generosity of others, but upon the willingness and determination of yourself. Discover the cultural traits that enabled the West to succeed, such as the rule of law, democracy, freedom, and liberty, and help to spread those traits back home. Participate in the global economy. Ignore this latest manifestation of the white man’s burden; only you can make poverty history. Please press 1776.

If you are a blueneck outraged at the suggestion that Africans can and must do this themselves, please note that a majority of Kenyans believe previous aid has done little to help them permanently, that massive aid is unnecessary and that the problem is their own corrupt governments (BBC One broadcast, 4 July 2005). Thank you, and have a nice day."

You might be a Blueneck.

There are a lot of misconceptions about California. A lot of people think everyone from California is a blueneck. Well I’ve been all over the place and there are bluenecks everywhere you go. The problem is a lot of people just don’t know if they are a blueneck or not so I came up with a test to help people out:

-If you have ever purchased artwork by a dead chimpanzee, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have multiple piercings, none of which are visible in public, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have the same piercings that are visible in public, you might be a blueneck.
-If you make six figures and cannot afford a house, you might be a blueneck.
-If you go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble to complain about greedy, multi-national corporations, you might be a blueneck.
-If you can determine the national origins of your coffee, you might be a blueneck.
-If your car insurance exceeds your mortgage payment, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are happy to find another person who speaks English in your hometown, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are angry to find a person who speaks English in your hometown, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are a male who goes to a hairdresser, you might be a blueneck.
-If you own a Geo Metro with a Darwin fish on the back, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever taken off your sandals because you felt they were too formal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that pot should be legal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that pot is legal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever been to a baby shower for two mothers and one child, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have not yet been mugged, you might still be a blueneck.
-If you have ever purchased a Che Guevara T-shirt made in a third world sweatshop, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think “The Passion of the Christ” is a romance movie, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever been confused with a tropical fish, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that living in sin means not using your recycling barrel, you might be a blueneck.

True, but not necessarily funny:

-If you believe gender is a social construct, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe the ‘facts’ in ‘The Da Vinci Code’, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe rats have rights and babies have none, you might be a blueneck.
-If you regularly use French words greater than four letters, you might be a blueneck.
-If Michael Moore comes to town and your first thought is not to buy stock in the local doughnut store, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that diversity is what occurs when a group of people all look different but think the same, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are glad that ‘Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms’ is a government agency and not a convenience store, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that the federal government should distribute Korans and support prayer on public property for a fanatical group of zealots sworn to kill American civilians but should always and everywhere prohibit any connection whatsoever with the faith of the majority of God-fearing, patriotic Americans here at home, you might be a blueneck.
-If you fear the US may win in war, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that conflicts between sovereign entities can be illegal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever compared American soldiers with the Nazis, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that God is dead, you might be a blueneck.
-If you promote evolution as a means of disproving the existence of God but discount its necessary implications for human individuals and societies, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that contradictory claims to absolute truth can be equally true, you might be a blueneck.
-If you would jump out of an airplane with a parachute that successfully opened 85-97% of the time, you might be a blueneck.
-If you would do the same with a condom, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe in ‘accidental’ pregnancies, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t understand why abstinence works, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that morality can be defined by individual opinion, you might be a blueneck.
-If the word ‘evil’, ‘sin’, ‘vice’, or ‘virtue’ causes you discomfort, you might be a blueneck.
-If you can’t use a ballot properly, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have recently immigrated to Canada, you might be a blueneck, eh?
-If you have ever bragged about voting for something before voting against it, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that other people should pay high taxes, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that you can help the poor by destroying the rich, you might be a blueneck.
-If you fear your country but love your government, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think a republic that promotes common decency and basic moral principles is a theocracy, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that freedom can be imposed, you might be a blueneck.
-If you confuse a right with an entitlement, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that others are ultimately responsible for your position in life, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have never read the Constitution, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t know the meaning of ‘keep’, ‘bear’, or ‘infringed’, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t know what the meaning of ‘is’ is, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe in evolution but view the world as a static and fragile balance capable of unravelling at the slightest change, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that CO2 emissions are destroying the Earth yet still drive a car and take hot showers, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe hypocrisy is the only vice, you might be a blueneck.
-If you avoid hypocrisy by refusing to make any moral judgements, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think you can spell ‘unethical’ without ‘UN” , you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever threatened a fifteenth non-binding resolution, you might be a blueneck.