Wednesday, June 22, 2005

You might be a Blueneck.

There are a lot of misconceptions about California. A lot of people think everyone from California is a blueneck. Well I’ve been all over the place and there are bluenecks everywhere you go. The problem is a lot of people just don’t know if they are a blueneck or not so I came up with a test to help people out:

-If you have ever purchased artwork by a dead chimpanzee, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have multiple piercings, none of which are visible in public, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have the same piercings that are visible in public, you might be a blueneck.
-If you make six figures and cannot afford a house, you might be a blueneck.
-If you go to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble to complain about greedy, multi-national corporations, you might be a blueneck.
-If you can determine the national origins of your coffee, you might be a blueneck.
-If your car insurance exceeds your mortgage payment, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are happy to find another person who speaks English in your hometown, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are angry to find a person who speaks English in your hometown, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are a male who goes to a hairdresser, you might be a blueneck.
-If you own a Geo Metro with a Darwin fish on the back, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever taken off your sandals because you felt they were too formal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that pot should be legal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that pot is legal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever been to a baby shower for two mothers and one child, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have not yet been mugged, you might still be a blueneck.
-If you have ever purchased a Che Guevara T-shirt made in a third world sweatshop, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think “The Passion of the Christ” is a romance movie, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever been confused with a tropical fish, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that living in sin means not using your recycling barrel, you might be a blueneck.

True, but not necessarily funny:

-If you believe gender is a social construct, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe the ‘facts’ in ‘The Da Vinci Code’, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe rats have rights and babies have none, you might be a blueneck.
-If you regularly use French words greater than four letters, you might be a blueneck.
-If Michael Moore comes to town and your first thought is not to buy stock in the local doughnut store, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that diversity is what occurs when a group of people all look different but think the same, you might be a blueneck.
-If you are glad that ‘Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms’ is a government agency and not a convenience store, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that the federal government should distribute Korans and support prayer on public property for a fanatical group of zealots sworn to kill American civilians but should always and everywhere prohibit any connection whatsoever with the faith of the majority of God-fearing, patriotic Americans here at home, you might be a blueneck.
-If you fear the US may win in war, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that conflicts between sovereign entities can be illegal, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever compared American soldiers with the Nazis, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that God is dead, you might be a blueneck.
-If you promote evolution as a means of disproving the existence of God but discount its necessary implications for human individuals and societies, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that contradictory claims to absolute truth can be equally true, you might be a blueneck.
-If you would jump out of an airplane with a parachute that successfully opened 85-97% of the time, you might be a blueneck.
-If you would do the same with a condom, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe in ‘accidental’ pregnancies, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t understand why abstinence works, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think that morality can be defined by individual opinion, you might be a blueneck.
-If the word ‘evil’, ‘sin’, ‘vice’, or ‘virtue’ causes you discomfort, you might be a blueneck.
-If you can’t use a ballot properly, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have recently immigrated to Canada, you might be a blueneck, eh?
-If you have ever bragged about voting for something before voting against it, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that other people should pay high taxes, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that you can help the poor by destroying the rich, you might be a blueneck.
-If you fear your country but love your government, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think a republic that promotes common decency and basic moral principles is a theocracy, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that freedom can be imposed, you might be a blueneck.
-If you confuse a right with an entitlement, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that others are ultimately responsible for your position in life, you might be a blueneck.
-If you have never read the Constitution, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t know the meaning of ‘keep’, ‘bear’, or ‘infringed’, you might be a blueneck.
-If you don’t know what the meaning of ‘is’ is, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe in evolution but view the world as a static and fragile balance capable of unravelling at the slightest change, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe that CO2 emissions are destroying the Earth yet still drive a car and take hot showers, you might be a blueneck.
-If you believe hypocrisy is the only vice, you might be a blueneck.
-If you avoid hypocrisy by refusing to make any moral judgements, you might be a blueneck.
-If you think you can spell ‘unethical’ without ‘UN” , you might be a blueneck.
-If you have ever threatened a fifteenth non-binding resolution, you might be a blueneck.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

St. Thomas Aquinas might have been a blueneck, because he did distinguish when the aggression of one duly constituted authority (sovereign state) against another was or was not legal, in the sense of God's Natural Law (ius ad bellum). But I think he kept his sandals on while saying so.

7/01/2005 10:47 am  
Blogger Ryan said...

I will freely grant that the aggression of a state may be illegal according to Natural Law, although I'm not sure most those protesting the 'illegal' war in Iraq would even believe in Natural Law. You might argue that a war is illegal according to international law, which is really nothing more than a series of treaties made by sovereign entities. The problem I have with this is that it would seem to necessitate a power greater than the sovereign state with the ability to enforce such a law. One could say that the United Nations has the ability to enforce international law, but the history of such international organizations proves quite the contrary. It does not enforce international law because international law should be enforced; it does so when it does because certain power blocs of nations desire the laws to be enforced and the main opposition bloc is willing to consent. And what has been the ultimate penalty for nations which break international law regarding war? War. So do we really get anywhere?
I do not argue that states shouldn’t make treaties and establish civilized rules regarding the legitimate use of force and try to abide by them. But at the end of the day, one either has to place the ultimate authority of sovereignty in either the state or a ‘one-world governmental zoo’.
Also note that this list implies ‘you may be a blueneck’, but doesn’t necessitate it. I may use public transportation and wear Birkenstocks, but I also owned a truck and sport cowboy boots.

7/20/2005 11:05 am  
Blogger Ryan said...

Oh, and speaking of Aquinas and Natural Law, do you suppose he would be a loose or a strict constructionist?

7/20/2005 11:12 am  

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