SCOTUS WARS: Episode II – The Phantom Nominee

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Narrator: Not very long ago, in a galaxy called the beltway. SCOTUS WARS: Episode II – The Phantom Nominee. For a dozen generations, the Originalist Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Republic – before the dark times. Before the rise of…the Warren Court. The court twisted the Constitution, seizing private property and stripping the senate of its power to create law. The voters, appalled, embraced Originalism, supporting the young George Sky-Spender. But a dark cloud overshadowed the Republic. Fourteen rouge senators, led by the cocky maverick John McSolo, were led into a back-ally deal by the ambitions Sith lord, Senator Hillary Rodham Unpalatable.

Sen. Unpalatable: [waves hand] McSolo, you will support the filibuster deal.

John McSolo: I will support the filibuster deal…

Teddy the Kennedy: Hey, ahh…McSolo! You still ah…owe me ahhhh…5,000 martinis!

John McSolo: But we passed martini-financing reform.

Teddy the Kennedy: Dammit ahhh… McSolo, you get those martinis to me or else I’ll ahhhh… I’ll have Princess Bader Ginsburg cast into the sea of Chappaquiddick!

Princess Bader Ginsburg: Oh no! Someone save me!

Bubba Fat: Hey Baby. I’ll save you. Come over here. Say, what are you doing next Friday? Ever seen a light saber? I’ve got a little Wookie for you. Come on!

Sen. Unpalatable: [Slap!]

Narrator: Distracted by the search for the menacing Bin Dooku and the unilateral war of the allies in Alderaaq, George Sky-Spender faces the biggest challenge of his galactic presidency, the second appointment to the Supreme Council. Will George Sky-Spender remain true to the Originalist Knights, or will he go over to the country-club dark side?

Darth Bushuru: I am your father.

George Sky-Spender: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

Darth Bushuru: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

George Sky-Spender: You’re not my father! I’ll never raise taxes!

Darth Bushuru: You underestimate the power of the country club. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny. You will appoint another Souter!

George Sky-Spender: Your thoughts betray you, father. I feel the good in you...the conflict… you appointed Clarence Thomdu!

Darth Bushuru: Obi-Cheney has taught you well. Give yourself to the country club. It is the only way you can save your…galactic presidency.

Narrator: Watch, as C86’d’04 and RUQT2 aimlessly wander the Senate halls.

C86’d’04: Sir, it's quite possible this party is not entirely stable.

RUQT2: Beep, pop, click.

C86’d’04: Sir, I actually did vote to confirm, before I voted against it! Oh! Sometimes I just don't understand human behaviour.

Narrator: Experience the frustration as Ar Ar Blinks chairs the galactic judiciary committee.

Ar Ar Blinks: Meesa Ar Ar Blinks. Meesa your humble RINO!

Narrator: Be there, as Ron’sgone Jinn advises George Sky-Spender from beyond the grave.

George Sky-Spender: Oh mighty Ron’sgone, what should I do?

Ron’sgone Jinn: Well, appoint an Originalist Knight like Antonin Yodlia or Clarence Thomdu.

George Sky-Spender: But Harriet Mired might turn out to be like them!

Ron’sgone Jinn: Well, ever heard of Earl Warren? A great Originalist Knight until he was, well, seduced by the Sith. Biggest damn fool mistake…

Antonin Yodlia: Your nominee well know you must, young Sky-Spender, or else liberal appoint you may.

Narrator: Will the phantom nominee remain true to the Originalist Knights, or is she a Sith lord in disguise? Will Senator Unpalpable take over and destroy the Republic with her sinister Entitlement Star? Don’t miss the biggest motion picture event since Starr’s War: Episode I – The Female Menace.