Monday, July 04, 2005

African Dictators Preservation Society

“Hello and welcome to the African Dictators Preservation Society. Please select one of the following options:

If you are an African dictator in need of funding for arms, expensive foreign luxury items, or western money to consolidate your despotic rule, press one.

If you are one of the very few well educated Africans capable of actually making a difference in your home country but who has instead immigrated to the West to improve your lifestyle and are now puzzled at how nothing is changing back home without you, press two.

If you attended one of our aid concerts and were offended by Fiddy Cent’s rendition of ‘Smack a ho for the homeland’, press three.

If you are a celebrity involved with the recent protests and need help finding Africa on a map, press four.

If you plan to attend the concerts but are concerned whether or not you should applaud bad music by big-hearted has-beens, press five.

If you live under an African dictatorship and are upset at western democracies for giving money to your authoritarian regime in order to help consolidate their dominance over your people and their earnings, press six.

If you reside in a responsible African nation who has paid back your loans at or below inflation rates and are bitter that more aid is being given to irresponsible regimes when it could actually be put to good work in your country, press seven.

If you are an African interested in improving the quality of life on your continent, seek out a local missionary. Manage to work out a visa to study or work in the United States or the United Kingdom. While there, avoid the culture of victimization your will encounter in the press and at the universities. Study Smith, Locke, Hayek and the Founding Fathers. Read the National Review. Pay attention to the modernization of Japan. Believe that the future of your continent depends not upon the generosity of others, but upon the willingness and determination of yourself. Discover the cultural traits that enabled the West to succeed, such as the rule of law, democracy, freedom, and liberty, and help to spread those traits back home. Participate in the global economy. Ignore this latest manifestation of the white man’s burden; only you can make poverty history. Please press 1776.

If you are a blueneck outraged at the suggestion that Africans can and must do this themselves, please note that a majority of Kenyans believe previous aid has done little to help them permanently, that massive aid is unnecessary and that the problem is their own corrupt governments (BBC One broadcast, 4 July 2005). Thank you, and have a nice day."

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